Y'know, i haven't really come back and blogged in a long time. It's like, i moved on to a different stage in life, and its a total love-hate situation.

Hate, because i dropped important things that meant alot to me, and moved to the whole responsibility-paying-my-bills-is-more-important-stage. No more, passion over responsibility. Love, because I am contented with what i have and I'm loving what im studying, despite the constant complaints about the workload. In this short half a year since i graduated, it has been an amazing journey of self discovery.

In fact, i'm happier than i ever was. I am so ready to jump into the world and experience life, experience cultures, and WRITE A NOVEL!! I feel so inspired by all these things im seeing, and those things i have not seen. It's an undescribable feeling. I am procrastinating like mad again, to be here instead of doing my journals. But oh wells. Life's mad awesome now. I am feeling happy now. BITE MEEEEEE~!

I sit back and wonder why memories can be so fuzzy and unclear, while some manage to stay focused and HD, even though it happened 10+ years ago.

It all run away, my memories. I thought it was just bad memory skills, but it's not. My mind automatically blocks out the truly traumatising events, and store them away. Traumatising events, or events, if told, will break something whole into pieces. It's in my brain somewhere I'm sure. Sometimes people reminds me of them, and the images as i remember them flash into my brain. But another mechanism kicks in, jabbing them, pushing them, forcing them back into the recesses of the mind. I never noticed the mechanism until now. I do it so automatically it doesn't even require any effort on my part. Sometimes the images comes back to me, but never for long.

They say genes, the little building blocks of us, determines us, our character, etc. If parents are like that, and I show signs of behaving like that unknowingly, then isn't it terrible, to have inherited that kinda character from them? To feel that behaving like that is a temporary break, a illusionary break from reality that makes reality a little easier to bear, and in turn retaining that whole block of reality the way it is. To feel that maybe feeling like that is perfectly fine.

I dunno what I remember, I don't want to know what I remember.

Not at all.

Jab kick push!

Jab kick push!

Jab kick push!!

since I last blogged, I know.

But i got struck by a strange urge to blog suddenly, now that I have a sudden windfall of time. 2 hours of concious personal uninterrupted personal time.

It doesn't come by easily nowadays.

Okay so updates on my life. Work occupies most of it, i'm back to retail after all, despite getting a stupid law diploma. Thank God i'm starting school in July though. Gonna do journalism & PR is SMa. I think I'm suddenly having second thoughts because of the admin's unclear instructions and all, but beyond that I guess I'm stuck in Singapore to do my degree in SMa. While most poly mates around me go overseas. I have quite alot of thoughts on this matter, but I can't find the words to put them down. Mostly it revolves around regrets for lost opportunities and how so many opportunities I was not able to have. I know I shouldn't dwell on what is not my choice to make in the first place but i still wished sometimes that I come from family with steady enough income to send me overseas, or allow me options to indulge in my interests. But alas, I must be content with what I have.

Anyways, one incident has been stuck in my memory for the past few weeks I just need out get it outta me. Met Kyler and Janani coincidentally that day when I was out with the dance pple, and Kyler was just telling me this jet-setting life(that i feel she's living with aplomb), that she's leading. At least in my opinion. The whole going to a whole new country to experience life with just a few penny in your pocket, work, get enough for another air ticket and fly off to another part of the world. I retold the story to the dance pple, and i recalled very clearly Ah Lee clap me on the shoulder and tell me I will definitely realise that dream, it's only a matter of sooner or later.

Okay, sooner or later, I think i can live with that. I think.

Random note; have been reading all those damn classics. Finished Pride & Prejudice, A Christmas Carol, Benjamin Buttons, Twas the Night before Christmas, Tell-Tale Heart, The Speckled Band(Sherlock Holmes), Alice in Wonderland, The Secret Garden, Common Sense and so on! Tried reading the shakespeare's plays but can't get past the first chapter. Pardon my ignorance, but I wasn't a lit student(sadly), and had no formal training in deciphering the thees and thy's. On Wuthering Heights now, and so many more unread ones! Cat recommended middlesex, can't wait to borrow it from her.

Thoughts all over the place.

Stopping dance was a more painful thing than I thought. Painful is the exact word. I look at all the photos of formal dance mates on facebook, and that sharp pang of loss rang deeper and clearer.

And I randomly choreographed a modern piece for "Fall"- The Saturdays while at work that day. Was on non-stop re-runs of the dancing days. The steps just kinda ran into my head. Trying to see if I can do anything more to it.

Bitter feelings are really like flatulence. You cannot keep them in for long, and it you try, when it finally comes out it'd clear a room.

Today my bitter feelings are pretty much at it's max.

"I have done nothing to you, you were as much a stranger as I was to you and you me. Why do you torment me so?"